Lack of Trust

A couple months later I end up talking to the director of my dorm at school about all my doubts. I needed someone to talk to that didn’t know me or my back story, someone older and wiser, and hopefully someone who would challenge me. (Also I’m pretty sure my Christian friends were tired of hearing me talk about how Christianity just couldn’t possibly be true…followed by my ever changing list of exactly why not….)

She certainly challenged me to think in ways that I hadn’t been thinking and to come up with answers to things I hadn’t thought of. Unfortunately I almost always had an answer for all of her questions that made perfect sense (at least to me).

Through the course of our conversations I made a list of things that I did and did not trust.

I Trust:

What I experience firsthand (with the exception sometimes to feelings and emotions)

That faith is not fact and therefore can’t necessarily be proven

That some biblical ideals/themes/claims have value and merit regardless of whether they are biblical or Godly or Christian or not

That something bigger than me exists

That I was created and therefore there is a creator

That miraculous things can happen

I Don’t Trust:

That anything is absolute or rather that we can determine what is absolute

That the Bible is infallible

Archeology, books, theologies, history

That Christians have correctly interpreted the scriptures and that the American Christian church has it right when it comes to how to live out your faith/God/Jesus/salvation

Christians in general

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS RESISTANCE IN ME.

In and out of Faith

There have been many times throughout the last 4-5 years that I’ve gone up and down, in and out of faith. I have it and then suddenly it slips away again before I can readjust my grip. Throughout the whole time, one thing has NEVER changed. I have not for a second stopped wanting it.

After the crisis passes my faith immediately falls away again. I justify that my reverting to Christianity so quickly after going through a hard time is only proof that religion IS a coping mechanism, which is one of the reasons why I just can’t trust it. The fact that religion did serve as a coping mechanism is nice and all…but it’s just not enough. I cannot simply believe it’s real and true just because it did something good for me.

People say that faith is not a feeling but it’s a choice. I hear that…but how can I choose to have faith in something that I’m not convinced is actually real and true?? It would be foolishness, it would be fake, it would be pretending – and I refuse to do it. And if faith is a gift, I can't get it on my own anyway. So who's fault is it that I can't find my faith? (I'm confused)

Due to the fact that I can’t make the choice to have faith on a whim or a simple desire, I try to think and think and think my way back to faith…but its hard work and it’s draining, it’s sad, it’s frustrating, and it’s scary…so I inevitably end up putting it back up on the shelf again…

Until the next time that I find myself really really wanting it again. At different times and for different reasons the yearning for something to believe in intensifies. Sometimes it’s hearing a worship song as I’m flipping the radio stations, or it’s a wedding, a funeral, or hearing a friend talk about how God’s “done this or done that” for them. I feel it when I see how people of faith have “this thing” that I used to have…this certainty. Sometimes it’s because I miss knowing that something bigger than me is always here with me and on my side. Sometimes it’s because I’m thinking of a future, a family with a husband and children…a husband who I had always thought would be a Christian just like me….only it’s not “just like me” anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t believe in God, someone who thinks that we’re alone in this life and that once we die, it’s over and we're just going to rot in the ground...and I don’t want to raise my kids to believe that either. Sometimes the reason I want my faith back is because I just don’t have the strength or the energy left to continue searching for it.

But then I catch myself. I don’t want to just make a “tired choice” to once again believe in Christianity. The fact that I’m tired of not believing in something and I'm tired of asking endless questions that most often don’t lead to answers does NOT mean its ok for me to just fall back into the comfort of Christianity. It has to be because I’m convinced it’s the only way, it has to be genuine, it has to be real.