There have been many times throughout the last 4-5 years that I’ve gone up and down, in and out of faith. I have it and then suddenly it slips away again before I can readjust my grip. Throughout the whole time, one thing has NEVER changed. I have not for a second stopped wanting it.
After the crisis passes my faith immediately falls away again. I justify that my reverting to Christianity so quickly after going through a hard time is only proof that religion IS a coping mechanism, which is one of the reasons why I just can’t trust it. The fact that religion did serve as a coping mechanism is nice and all…but it’s just not enough. I cannot simply believe it’s real and true just because it did something good for me.
People say that faith is not a feeling but it’s a choice. I hear that…but how can I choose to have faith in something that I’m not convinced is actually real and true?? It would be foolishness, it would be fake, it would be pretending – and I refuse to do it. And if faith is a gift, I can't get it on my own anyway. So who's fault is it that I can't find my faith? (I'm confused)
Due to the fact that I can’t make the choice to have faith on a whim or a simple desire, I try to think and think and think my way back to faith…but its hard work and it’s draining, it’s sad, it’s frustrating, and it’s scary…so I inevitably end up putting it back up on the shelf again…
Until the next time that I find myself really really wanting it again. At different times and for different reasons the yearning for something to believe in intensifies. Sometimes it’s hearing a worship song as I’m flipping the radio stations, or it’s a wedding, a funeral, or hearing a friend talk about how God’s “done this or done that” for them. I feel it when I see how people of faith have “this thing” that I used to have…this certainty. Sometimes it’s because I miss knowing that something bigger than me is always here with me and on my side. Sometimes it’s because I’m thinking of a future, a family with a husband and children…a husband who I had always thought would be a Christian just like me….only it’s not “just like me” anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t believe in God, someone who thinks that we’re alone in this life and that once we die, it’s over and we're just going to rot in the ground...and I don’t want to raise my kids to believe that either. Sometimes the reason I want my faith back is because I just don’t have the strength or the energy left to continue searching for it.
But then I catch myself. I don’t want to just make a “tired choice” to once again believe in Christianity. The fact that I’m tired of not believing in something and I'm tired of asking endless questions that most often don’t lead to answers does NOT mean its ok for me to just fall back into the comfort of Christianity. It has to be because I’m convinced it’s the only way, it has to be genuine, it has to be real.
Well, that's true. You can't just arbitrarily convince yourself to believe anything. It wouldn't be healthy or real.
ReplyDeleteBut, you could start with a list of barriers to faith, and begin to address them one by one. Ask God to find you..
I think our spiritual journeys are a process through life, and that questioning, exploring honest doubt is really healthy, and a sign of maturing faith.
Have you read some of the books by some great Christian thinkers of our time, stuff by NT Wright, the Anglican bishop of Durham, and Dr. Francis Collins "The Language of God," comes to mind? Also, I've enjoyed a book by a Presby paster, "The Reason for God," by Tim Keller.
Every encouragement, and blessing to you. :)
Becky.
I would comment on your blog regularly, however, the only posting option that allows a level of anonymity is OpenID. Unfortantely, this option almost never works in blogger and I usually get the message, "Your OpenID credentials could not be verified." This is a long-standing blogger problem.
ReplyDeleteIf you would add the option for "Name/URL" that would be cool.
Thanks
One way around this is to
Thanks for your encouragement Becky.
ReplyDeleteDoug - I adjusted the comment settings...let me know if it worked...I'm not too savvy with this whole blog thing...