A couple months later I end up talking to the director of my dorm at school about all my doubts. I needed someone to talk to that didn’t know me or my back story, someone older and wiser, and hopefully someone who would challenge me. (Also I’m pretty sure my Christian friends were tired of hearing me talk about how Christianity just couldn’t possibly be true…followed by my ever changing list of exactly why not….)
She certainly challenged me to think in ways that I hadn’t been thinking and to come up with answers to things I hadn’t thought of. Unfortunately I almost always had an answer for all of her questions that made perfect sense (at least to me).
Through the course of our conversations I made a list of things that I did and did not trust.
I Trust:
What I experience firsthand (with the exception sometimes to feelings and emotions)
That faith is not fact and therefore can’t necessarily be proven
That some biblical ideals/themes/claims have value and merit regardless of whether they are biblical or Godly or Christian or not
That something bigger than me exists
That I was created and therefore there is a creator
That miraculous things can happen
I Don’t Trust:
That anything is absolute or rather that we can determine what is absolute
That the Bible is infallible
Archeology, books, theologies, history
That Christians have correctly interpreted the scriptures and that the American Christian church has it right when it comes to how to live out your faith/God/Jesus/salvation
Christians in general
I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS RESISTANCE IN ME.
Resistance to what? Resistance to believe just as "everybody" else does?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that i would add to your first list (what you trust) is that i do trust that our creator cares about his creation, and in that light sent Jesus to be a bridge. I understand that this is in your "i don't trust" category, but i am not saying that i trust "the American Christian church has it right when it comes to how to live out your faith/God/Jesus/salvation" just that i do choose to believe Jesus came to us to help us reach God.
The rest of most of the American church's beliefs/rules/regulations are nonsense to me. I don't think we can know an absolute, or that the Bible is infallible. I know too many Christians who believe in a prosperity gospel and that life here will be peachy if we just "trust Jesus."
I've seen too many instances in my life and those whom i know that are the anthesis of God providing our "heart's desire" or preventing mishap. History also tells us clearly that being Christian doesn't prevent bad things from happening. Corrie Ten Boom really wanted to get married. Did not happen. Her family worked hard to save Jews from the Nazis. Most of her family died as a result. Christian persecution happens world-wide and has happened since the time of Jesus.
I, too, distrust the American church which at least implies that we are "blessed" with things and prosperity and not being persecuted because we have faith in God.
That doesn't track.
I struggle with faith, too. I'm not going to ever be one of the Christians who is able to trust God for each and every thing in my life. My life has already shown that trusting in God does not mean i will have all desires fulfilled. But life can be very good in spite of that.
I'm rambling.
It just is heartbreaking to me to hear the stories of people who have been broken by the American Christian church and its weird theologies that exclude so many.
Thanks for your insight Kathryn. It's good to hear from people that struggle with doubts and have asked themselves similar questions as I have asked myself and are still able to somehow maintain a degree of faith. That is what I was hoping to find when I started this blog and it's been such an encouragement.
ReplyDelete