Who is this "God" Anyway???

Brace yourself, this is a long one...I truly hope you are able to stick with me until the end...or at least bounce around until you find yourself at the bottom of this blog. I'd like to hear your reaction.


Job 2:3

The Lord said to Satan, “Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”

-     Who is this God who offers up him who he considers to be the “blameless and upright” to a Satan intent on causing suffering wherever he goes? Why does he do it? I could argue it was pride. God saw Satan’s words as a challenge, his pride was threatened and he offered up his servant as a sacrifice to proving Satan wrong. But isn’t pride a sin? And then later he never explains himself to Job, even though it could be argued that God was the CAUSE of his suffering, but instead insults him and essentially says “How dare you, stupid and lowly human, question ME – God of the Universe???” And in the end, how nice it was of God to bless him with twice as much as he had before. But could more sons and daughters serve to make up for the loss of his first? I am not a mother yet, but I dare say, “HELL NO!” It’s insulting. As if this God could take everything away from Job, give more of what he took back to him and be worthy of praise because of it!? I’m not buying it.

Jeremiah 19:7-9 - God speaking.

“‘In this place I will ruin the plans of Judah and Jerusalem. I will make them fall by the sword before their enemies, at the hands of those who seek their lives, and I will give their carcasses as food to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth. I will devastate this city and make it an object of scorn; all who pass by will be appalled and will scoff because of all its wounds. I will make them eat the flesh of their sons and daughters, and they will eat one another’s flesh during the stress of the siege imposed on them by the enemies who seek their lives.’

-      God is love???

Exodus 3:7-8

The Lord said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey…”

-     Either he hears some and not others or he hears all and chooses NOT to help some???

Exodus 7:3-5 - God speaking.

But I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and though I multiply my miraculous signs and wonders in Egypt, he will not listen to you. Then I will lay my hand on Egypt and with mighty acts of judgment I will bring out my divisions, my people the Israelites. And the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord when I stretch out my hand against Egypt and bring the Israelites out of it.”

-     Perhaps Pharaoh could have been persuaded, could have been reasoned with…but we’ll never know. God could have at least given him the choice. Instead God “hardens his heart” and  in turn deprives the people of Egypt (composed of people just like you and me) of clean water to drink, he filled the land with frogs and gnats and flies, he spread boils over the bodies of the innocent, he killed the firstborn of all Egyptians…who is this God? A murderer?

Exodus 11:4-5

“This is what the Lord says: ‘About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of the Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well.’

-     I’m not even sure I can be mad at the Pharaoh. The way it reads, it could be argued he had no choice in the matter. I’m afraid to say it, but I think you can guess where I’m thinking the blame might fall…

Exodus 21:20-21

“If a man beat his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”

-     I may be reading between the lines here just a bit but did I just hear God condone slavery?? He not only condones it but he condones the severe BEATING of human beings – HIS CREATION, his creation which he claims to LOVE.

Numbers 21:2-3

Then Israel made this vow to the Lord: “If you will deliver these people into our hands, we will totally destroy their cities.” The Lord listened to Israel’s plea and gave the Canaanites over to them. They completely destroyed them and their towns; so the place was named Hormah.

-     Looks like God does take sides in war afterall. Maybe God is not as much a fan of peace as I thought he was…

1 Samuel 19:9-10

But an evil spirit from the Lord came upon Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the harp, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape.

-      Since when does God have evil spirits under his control??

Luke 6:27-29 - Jesus speaking.

But I tell you who hear me: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also…”

-     And here comes Jesus…son of God…(arguably)one of the trinity…one with GOD…who brings a completely different message. Has God “who was and is and is to come”, God “who remains the same” changed? If not, how do we account for the discrepancy?

These are just a few excerpts…I could probably go on for pages and pages…filling them up with scriptures that conflict with each other (and one might argue, are out of context), scriptures that go against what I’ve been taught is the nature of God.

I’d say that it FRUSTRATES me.

I’d say that it CONFUSES me.

I’d say that it MAKES ME ANGRY.

All of those things would be true. But right now as I’m writing this, my most overwhelming feeling is SADNESS.

IT BREAKS MY HEART that it’s so easy for me to find evidence which only fuels my doubt and disbelief. I want so much to find my way back there…to the faith I once had…and then I remember all the times the Bible disagrees with itself, all the unflattering depictions of a God who I’d LOVE to believe is a God of love, a God of second chances, a God of grace, of mercy, of forgiveness, a God who hears the prayers of the people, a God who works things for good and not for evil, a God who cares about the pain we endure, and seeks to heal us from it, a God who wants to bless us, and protect us. I’m not so sure I could ever truly believe that anymore…and it breaks my heart.

Things I don't Understand

I remember the day when it all fell away.
I watched as pieces of myself fell to the pavement so hard
and then washed away after all the rain.
You see, it all started with those questions...
it was 1, then 6, then 12.
I was straddling the fence of faith
and was struggling to keep my balance.
I wanted to believe - but then I couldn't
Wanted to seek him - but then I wouldn't
I just couldn't take the indecision
Couldn't handle having two minds.
I chose the side of disbelief,
because I couldn't commit to the other.
From that day forward,
my Bible stayed closed
and the prayers....
they ceased to exist.
I decided I wanted to have
BOTH FEET
on one side
and that was the price I chose to pay.
And on that day,
my faith wasn't the only thing to fall away.
It was my faith that had given me my identity,
it told me who I was.
My foundation had crumbled,
down to the very last brick
and my world was upside down.
My morals, my standards, and my convictions...
were NOWHERE to be found.
I couldn no longer tell the difference,
between
good and bad
I didn't know who I was anymore
and nothing in the world seemed to matter.
I decided I would do all the things I never did.
I would break all the rules...
do all the wrong things.
But rebellion it turns out
is a habit that's hard to break
and I learned that lesson the hard way.
Rebellion might have been enticing and exciting
but it brought with it destruction and pain.
My purpose was gone,
along with the GOD I thought could give it.
And honestly, I didnt' see a point...
in living
in school
in work
in play
What does it matter if we all cease to exist someday?
I began to consider the alternatives to the God they had told me about
and not one of them seemed more true.
I think if I'm going to subscribe to a faith again,
it will be like the one I've been running from,
but right now I can't seem to turn around...
These doubts??
I can't seem to put them down.
And in all the time I've spent on this side of the fence,
I'll confess that I'm not happy with what I've found.
I don't see a purpose.
I don't see a plan.
I'm just left with more questions
and things I don't understand.

Is this a Cult?

I remember one of the very first chapel services (which were mandatory at my University) I attended after my conscious decision to close my Bible and to stop my prayers. I was sitting on the stairs and I had my homework on my lap…passive aggressively protesting the fact that I was even being required to be there in the first place.

We had a special speaker that day…I have no idea who it was and do not remember what the topic of his message was, but at some point he put up some words on the big screen and asked that everyone in the auditorium raise their right hand to Jesus and recite the words together as a community…it doesn’t sound too alarming at first (and maybe in actuality it really was not all that alarming) but to me it was the most absurd thing I had witnessed in that chapel up until that point.

Needless to say I did NOT obey his request, instead I found myself (with a bewildered and almost frightened look on my face) in a sea of arms, raised in what seemed hauntingly similar to a Nazi salute…my own thoughts drowned out momentarily by the monotony and uniformity of voices reciting whatever was written on that big screen. I asked myself: Self, where are you right now? Nazi Germany? A cult fathering? Am I being brainwashed right now? Is this a social experiment? Is this guy joking? Where’s the camera?

Now, to be fair, I’m not suggesting that this speaker had any ill intentions…only that my whole worldview had suddenly (and hopefully not permanently) shifted. Actions which would have seemed common to me only a week before were suddenly preposterous and could even be considered “mindless”, “unthinking”, “scary”, or “evil”.

The people with their hands raised during worship, the ones who jumped up and down, or fell prostrate on the ground, the ones who laughed, or smiled, or wept during worship suddenly looked so odd to me. I couldn’t understand what they could possibly be doing. I wondered…

Do they really know what they’re doing?

Do they truly feel the presence of God or are they faking it? Are they simply practicing something they learned when they were little, something they were taught to do by watching others?

Do they really feel anything right now or are they just doing what they think they’re supposed to be doing…or what they just saw the person next to them doing?

Do their arms hurt? Are they trying to punish themselves…or earn a few more “good Christian” points by seeing who can hold their arm up the longest…or jump the highest…or dance the prettiest?

Are they for real???

And church (although I rarely attend anymore) has not been what it once was since that day.

The beginning of this journey...the foundation crumbles...

...started roughly 4 years ago, while I was in the middle of my college education at a Christian University (of all places).

It started with one question, which led to two, then fifty, then a hundred. Soon the questions took control and even though I was nowhere  nearer to the answers I was seeking...I simply could not (or would not) stop the questions.

I remember vividly one day, walking to class late, after having slept through my alarm - a short prayer popped up into my head. The details have since escaped me, but most likely the prayer had something to do with wishing that my teacher would accept my 10-page paper for full credit even though I was 30 minutes late, or hoping that I'd still be able to start that end of the semester final exam, even though I was 30 minutes late...or something of that sort. Anyways, the prayer that popped up in my head isn't the important part of the story.

The important part is what happened next. As I found myself praying that  prayer, I stopped myself dead in my tracks. I literally stopped moving and made a decision...that I would no longer pray, or open my Bible until I could find myself on the "faith" side of the fence that I had been sitting on for so long. I couldn't stand sitting on that damn fence anymore. Always believing in God and praying to him, but simultaneously doubting him and wondering if I was just wasting my breath and the time spent in various other "spiritual" activities all centered around a God that I couldn't be 100% (or even 60%) sure even existed. I mean, how foolish is it to continue to talk to, thank and praise, ask favors of, and devote your life to something or someone who you're not even sure is real?

I couldn't do it anymore.

I decided to get off the fence and settle on the only side I could honestly settle on - the side of doubt. And since then, I haven't been able to get back over the fence.

I've tried talking about it with other Christians. Some of which continuously respond with cliche answers such as "You just need to continue to seek God and He will reveal Himself to you" or "You just need to pray more...or worship more....or read your Bible more". Others seemed irritated (and even sometimes scared) by the fact that I would even dare to break into their world of unquestioning faith with my stupid little doubts and questions. To be fair, there were a few who would honestly engage me, and question me, and listen when I would follow rabbit trail after rabbit trail of all the questions that were relentlessly taunting me.

Eventually I grew tired of all the questions and the pain that it was putting me through and I just had to put it all up on the shelf...which is where it has pretty much stayed...until today, when I decided to start a blog.

I figure this is the perfect outlet for me. I no longer have to bore or burden those around me with all of my QUESTIONS and DOUBTS. I don't have to feel bad about repeating myself or stubbornly sticking to a conviction (even if it's ridiculously absurd or illogical) in the face of Christian "reason". Instead, I can blather on all day long on this blog if I want to...and not have to worry about anything but getting my thoughts down in print. Maybe then...just maybe I'll finally wear myself out from asking all these questions, or maybe I'll have an epiphany one day that will bring me back to faith, or maybe (and I sincerely hope this is not the case) nothing at all will change. Either way I've decided this is the next step...so here I go......