SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 6

Crossing the Line...

So I get back from Africa and the first thing I want to do is go see “this guy” right…so I invite him over to see me (even though I still smell like one of the climbing guide’s b.o. - which was smeared all over my day pack/carry on – and I'm looking pretty rough due to the burn blister on my lip that’s just finally started to heal and due to traveling for close to 3 days - or maybe just what felt like 3 days - in the same pair of clothes. He so sweetly plays a song for me on his phone [Michael Buble’s “You’re my Everything”] and says that this song is now OUR SONG…and I melt for him…even though he doesn’t seem all that interested in the last month of my life where I’ve been thousands of miles away from him, living a life he knows nothing about. He doesn’t want to hear the stories or see the pictures…but I let it go because he dedicated a song to us (blush).

Since I don’t have any faith to keep me in line I start to cross over into a new world where sleep overs with boys and wine coolers hidden in the closet of my dorm room [at a Christian university] seems absolutely normal and acceptable.

I travel to a different city to visit a friend and end up at a house party in the basement of a friend…of a friend…of a friend after just having a drink at a bar downtown. People are smoking weed and I get this strange urge to smoke along. I chicken out of the “real thing” and instead get a couple (of what they told me are called) “shotguns” from some guy my friend knows [before you go thinking that I was planning to shoot someone that night, let me explain a “shotgun” for those of you who don’t know – it’s just when someone else inhales the smoke and then exhales it into your mouth – kinda the same thing as smoking but doesn’t make me feel as guilty…or guilty at all really]. The next day I go to church with that same friend and interestingly enough I run into more than one person from that party the night before and I start to wonder…who are these “Christians” anyways? Drink, party, and smoke weed on Saturday night then go to church and “Praise the Lord, Hallelujah” on Sunday morning? Maybe I could get down with this Christian thing after all… OR …maybe I don’t want to get down at all with a faith where everybody is fake and two-sided.

I tell my boyfriend about the drinking and the weed and although he doesn’t scold me or tell me that I’m going to hell, he does tell me how those things aren’t good for me and he wants better for me…so I probably shouldn’t do them (because of course he NEVER would). He never would because this guy is a saint (not really). He earned his nickname (“Preacher”) when at a young age his mother found a tape recording of him giving a sermon and since then, his pastor, and his family, and everybody else, has had great plans for him.

This guy is like a "Super Christian"...afterall....
He grew up in the church
AND
He does sermons occasionally at his home church
AND
He does Christian stand-up comedy at conferences all across the U.S.
AND
He volunteers for a young people’s ministry
AND
He works at a non-profit Christian organization
AND
He knows the Bible cover to cover
...and is often known to recite scripture in the oddest, most “out of context” manner that is imaginable – but still, all of this gives him the image of a GODLY man – which is part of why I fell for him. I thought, “This guy is a Christian, he goes to church, he knows the Bible, and he likes kids…how can I go wrong?”

Well, I started to go wrong the very minute I let his label as a “Christian” blind me to the things I already saw [but pretended not to really see] in him. I saw that he was very charming and manipulative. I experienced the fact that he told lies to get to the truth and that he could be very evasive and really great with words. I knew that he had had sex with as many as 11 girls before we ever got involved…and YET…he was a CHRISTIAN – that simple fact just HAD to trump all that other stuff that didn’t sound so appealing…only, IT DIDN’T.

He still told me things that I later found out to be lies – because he was looking to get a reaction out of me, looking for a certain response.

He NEGLECTED to mention the fact that there was a pregnant girl out there who may or may not have been pregnant with his baby (from a sexual on and off again relationship before we had gotten into a relationship). I had to find that out from somebody else.

He manipulated me with his words and his actions.

He didn’t treat me right.

I could no longer trust him and all of the weird, strange, and coincidental things that I started to notice were enough to make me go mad.

I decided that if I couldn’t trust him, then I couldn’t be with him - SO - even though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do (because we had gotten pretty physical and he was my very first relationship) – I broke it off with him.

SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 5

The Journey into Africa...

About a month after getting into a relationship with “this guy”, I was getting on a plane to Africa. We were scheduled to spend a few weeks in Uganda, working at Christ Restoration Outreach, an organization that offers a place for street children to receive medical care, eat, play, and go to school. Next we were headed off to a Retreat Center along the Nile River for a 2 day Spiritual Retreat before heading off to Tanzania to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.

In the weeks and months leading up to the trip I can’t tell you how often I felt like a cheat…like a fraud. I wondered if they would kick me off the trip if they knew about all the doubts going on in my mind. Would they still allow me to be a part of this trip if they knew how close I was to complete disbelief? I chose not to fully disclose my current state of faith(lessness) but did casually mention that I had doubts. Nobody scorned me for my doubts (but then I hadn’t been completely honest either) and so I went. In the final days before my departure I decided that I would give God this trip. I would open up my mind and my heart (as much as I could) in the hopes that this God I wasn’t so sure even existed would show up in Africa and show himself to me. It wasn’t until the spiritual retreat along the beautiful Nile River that I even saw a glimpse of anything at all.

The owner of the retreat center was leading a devotion of sorts about how important it is to set time aside to be quiet and still and to let God speak to us. I thought “YES! Finally…this is what I came here for. God’s about to speak to me…hold on, let me go get my pencil!”

I started my quiet time with a journal entry…

God I do not quite know where to begin. I know you can always see me…my thoughts, my actions, my words. And lately I have been struggling to keep my faith in you. My head and my heart have been fighting and lately my head has been much stronger. Doubts and questions of your existence have been overpowering the faith and peace and assurance I once felt within your presence. But yet a part of me must still believe. If all I had was disbelief there would be no struggle…right? I don’t want to be divided anymore; I want to run completely after YOUR HEART. I know that you do not want me to turn my mind off but I’m having difficulties keeping my mind on and still maintaining faith. What do I need to do? How can my mind and my heart be changed? I want to be honest with you Lord and I want to know your thoughts about me. I want to hear you speak to me.

This is what I thought I heard God say to me:

“My child, I am still here. And I am patient with you doubts. I know that when you seek me you will find me and so I am not worried. I love you so much that I am willing to wait until I can have your heart completely.”

(“His” words here were more than a little reminiscent of a poem that a friend of mine had written for me over 5 years earlier [which made it difficult for me to trust the words as God’s alone – maybe I just made it up, using bits and pieces of things I had heard before…of things that I would imagine…of things that I so badly wanted to hear God say to me…]. I don’t remember all the words, but my friend’s poem went a little like this… “I am still here child, just look up and know that it’s me. I am still here child, it’s time to grow and not die in fear. I am still here child, loving you on whenever and today, I am still here child…)

This was followed by another journal entry…

Lord I pray that you would reveal to me why I have struggled as I have. Why I fear the things I fear and why I doubt the things I doubt. I pray you would teach me the lessons you want me to learn through these experiences. Lord what are your thoughts about me?

What I thought I heard God saying…

“I’m going to use your analytical and questioning mind in a good way. You do not need to feel guilty or bad for how your mind works. It will help you to not accept things without thinking for yourself. You keep asking me, “What do I need to do?” That’s why little has changed. You need to realize that you can’t and that I can and you need to let me do it.”

“You are beautiful and worthy. You are able and desirable.”

“You are like a tree that has been planted, has grown and then has been uprooted and planted somewhere new. You are vulnerable now and require special care if you are to grow properly. You need lots of nourishment and you are responsible to get it. You must realize that your best nourishment will come from my word and you must seek for it often.”

This all seems like common sense or wishful thinking, both of which certainly could have been made up by me.

A little while later, I saw two butterflies flying crazily around, darting in different directions but always staying together, almost as if one of them was chasing the other. I feel like God was saying that’s what it’s like between me and him, only instead of me seeking after Him, it has been him following behind me as I dart about, not sure of my direction or whether I am on my way to where I need to be or not. If I would just be still, I would find that he is right next to me, and if I were chasing after him he wouldn’t dart about as I have been. I would find him still and waiting in one place for me. I think He wants me to be still and stop rushing about.

Some time later, as I’m lying on my back on a giant trampoline (yes there’s a giant trampoline at the retreat center along the Nile River in Africa…weird I know)

I just saw a bird fly around in two circles in front of me. It was a pretty big bird and it was kind of soaring…wings wide spread just sort of allowing the wind to carry it along. It looked so effortless – this is what I thought of: that’s kind of like us. If we would just surrender (open our wings up wide) and let God (the wind) carry us along we would go along much smoother than if we resisted or hesitated, because that’s when we fall and that’s when we doubt.

These last two ideas or images I received from watching the nature around me seemed to reflect truth, however I cannot guarantee that they came from God and I certainly cannot attest to hearing anybody’s voice bouncing around in my head (other than my own of course).

I’d like to say that my experience along the Nile River changed my life and flipped my faith crisis inside out…but as you can see from all the blue writing – it did no such thing. The words I thought I heard stayed with me for the remainder of the trip and they comforted me while I was miles and miles away from my home and everything familiar, but the minute I stepped foot back onto American soil, the words slipped away…dismissed as [re]manufactured bits and pieces of things I had heard before, of wishful thinking and of common sense.

SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 4

I’ve had little doubts here and there all throughout my faith experience but it was through a few classes in college that I started to get a little deeper into the doubt.

In a psychology class I realized that some of the thoughts I was having were very similar to Freud’s idea of religion being nothing more than wishful thinking.  Maybe we have created this God out of our desire to feel protected, safe, loved, secure, and looked after. Having God on our side can give us strength and courage.  Maybe we created the idea of God so that we could finally have some answer to life’s basic questions such as:

Where did I come from?

Who created me?

Why am I here?

What happens to me after I die?

In another class we learned about the flood story in the Epic of Gilgamesh (which was supposedly written some 500 years earlier than the Bible’s version of Noah and the flood and had a number of similar characteristics). This is where my doubts about the Bible really began to flourish. If I couldn’t trust the flood to be an actual occurrence, how could I trust anything in the Bible to be accurate and true? And if I couldn't trust the Bible to be true, how could I trust the rest?

The next semester in a Systematic Theology class, I had this 10 page paper I had to write; we were to pick from a number of selected topics – none of which were of any interest to me, because I was dealing with so much doubt and disbelief at the time. My professor gave me special permission to write mine on the topic of Christian doubt. This was, I believe, simultaneously the worst and the best thing that could have happened at this time. It was great to finally find a professor who understood where I was and could sympathize with the thoughts going through my head and who could see my struggle. I certainly could have babbled on in a paper on some other theological topic…lying on every page and denying my true feelings, but he didn’t make me do that. For that I am very thankful to him. At the same time, I wonder if during the time of writing this paper (during which I could now justify hours of academic time spent in reading, studying, and writing about my own doubt) I dwelled a little too heavily on all the questions and inconsistencies I saw in the Christian faith. I wonder, if I hadn’t written that paper would I have been able to get out from under all the doubt and questions a little easier?? – And then I think…probably not.

Other Doubts/Thoughts of mine that led me away from faith:

Everyone has to “take somebody else’s word for it” I believe we learn by experience and things are made true to us through our experiences, however, we cannot experience everything. That is when we must “take somebody else’s word”. I wonder - when do we get ourselves in trouble because of that? How many times is that trust betrayed? How many times have I been misled or misinformed? How many false beliefs do I hold to now simply because of somebody else’s experience…because somebody else told me?

The way I saw it, EXPERIENCE was the only way we could know truth. EXPERIENCE was our only teacher. I talked to one of my pastors about this and he disagreed, citing this example: Experience can also lead us to believe untruths. Take, for example, the girl who is abused as a young child. She grows up to believe that that’s how things are supposed to be, that she deserves the abuse. Hmpf. I saw his point, but was still holding on to mine with both hands.

There’s a big body of evidence – we all draw from that same body and we twist and pull and stretch the same pieces of evidence to fit our agenda, our beliefs. How could I be sure that the “Christian” side had it right?

I do NOT speak Hebrew or Greek – how can I be sure I’m not misinterpreting the translations? How can I be sure that through the years, the Bible hasn’t been tampered with – it’s been touched by so many human hands that I’m not sure I can trust it to be “inspired”.

Christianity seems so manipulative. We turn the lights down low, play slow intimate worship music with moving pictures on the screen. The goal is to tug at the people’s emotions in order to get a desired response/reaction.

I no longer trusted in absolute truth. In my opinion it had to either be non-existent or unknowable. I now had trouble believing that there was only ONE WAY that was true for everybody, everywhere.

Christianity/religion is different everywhere you go. How much of this faith is just a product of where I grew up, what family I was born into, the current time period and cultural atmosphere? I wonder would I believe the same thing if I was born somewhere else, in some other time? – The fact that faith and organized religion has changed so much over time disturbs me. It makes me feel like the church today and its views are just a response to culture and if that’s true it takes away the credibility of it all.

Shortly after my conversion from Christian to doubter/agnostic, I noticed that when I was going through difficult times, I found that “God” was still the first person I wanted to run to.

Because of my doubt I felt like it was too contradictory and double minded to speak to God about certain things (like about my doubt about Him being real for instance) even though that’s what I wanted to do. That frustrated me and then I wondered why – why through all this doubt is my first instinct still to run to HIM? Is it because something in me still clings to HIM and still believes and knows HE is real – or is it simply because it’s been so ingrained in me and has become a habit. I felt so contradictory and double minded!

I came to the realization that…even though I was questioning God’s existence, it was HIM…whether real or imagined, that gave me comfort when I was troubled, peace when I was felt like a storm, and confidence when I felt unsteady. To lose that was devastating.

SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 3

NOTE TO SELF: you're first relationship should NOT be born out of a time of turmoil...

Out of nowhere my various groups of friends/associates start to merge together into this large group of people…and “this guy” finds his way in (with a little help from me, who OF COURSE wants to spend as much time with him as possible…and has always wished that even if we don’t end up “together”…that he could at least be my "friend"). He fits in perfectly and everybody (obviously) loves him. Our big group of friends is now spending a lot of time together. It’s not uncommon to stay over at this person’s house or that person’s house until 2 or 3 in the morning and then do it all again the next night. I’ve seen a glimpse of “this guy’s” manipulative powers but he’s also VERY charming and VERY enticing. Even though I KNOW (and have known it for years) that I would love nothing more than to be with him, I’m still very hesitant.

I’m noticing a common theme in my resistance to both “this guy” and religion – and that is the whole manipulation factor. The only difference is in my reaction. It causes me to run with abandon away from organized religion and belief, but it somehow draws me even closer to “this guy”, I can’t seem to resist him any longer. We start to spend some one-on-one time together…and a couple months later we’re officially “together”.

This guy is exactly what I needed (or so I think at the time). He is intrigued by the way my mind works, he thinks it's cute the way I wear my emotions on my sleeve and sometimes open up my mouth to speak before I really know what I'm going to say or really know how I feel about something. He sees how I sometimes contradict myself, how I waver indecisively back and forth on things and yet he still likes me, he still wants to get to know me, still wants to spend time with me. And although he’s a Christian and he’s never doubted his faith, he listens to me as I go on and on about all the doubts and all the questions I have. He listens and he questions me and he makes me feel like its ok. He makes me feel like it’s safe to be in this place…with him…as he supports me.

I never tell him this, but (regardless of all the shit he put me through - which will come later) he stabilized me in a way (in reference to my faith crisis) that nobody else could at this point in my life.

SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 2

Into the depths I go...

I was depressed…and nothing seemed to help me get out of the slump I had found myself in. I couldn’t find my smile and I’d lost my desire for most things (with exception to a few of the things that would do me no good). It was like I was starting over, from the ground up. I could be anyone I wanted to be. I could make any choices I wanted to make. There was nothing guiding me…nothing holding me up…nothing telling me where to go…so, I went a few places I probably would not have ever gone otherwise.

Unfortunately, this time in my life coincided with a certain fellow (who shall remain nameless…and will henceforth be referred to as “this guy” or “that guy”) who I had kind of had a “thing” for since I first met him a few years earlier, and who was simultaneously trying to get my attention. Up until this point we had hung out a couple times (call them dates if you will, although I’m not entirely sure they were, and would argue till I turned blue to anyone who asked that they WERE NOT DATES!! – because at the time I had just finished reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and was convinced that I had kissed it goodbye too, which was my strongest armor against this guy and successfully kept me from giving into him even though I really really wanted to. I think I didn’t give into him because even though I liked him, my female “intuition” was telling me to stay away – I think I must have known…without really knowing…that something was not quite right…even then.

Well, female intuition was not strong enough to keep me away from this guy after my faith fell away. I suddenly had this attitude of – give me what I want, I’m not going to deny myself, and in fact I should probably say yes to all the things I used to say no to just because I can. Outside of faith, I looked back at all the years I spent within the protective covering of Christianity with a pretty healthy dose of contempt. While others were doing the wrong things and rebelling and partying and getting involved with guys, I steered clear of all the particularly “sinful” things and denied myself. Christianity had started to look like a vehicle for self-denial and I was no longer along for the ride. Growing up, I was the good kid…the one who always raised my hand, the one who turned in all of my homework on time, who never talked back, who listened to my mom and couldn’t tell her a lie, who earned mostly A’s and some B’s, the one who played sports and took honors classes, the one who went to church on Sundays and youth group on Wednesdays , the one who spent her time volunteering and going on missions trips, the one who never drank, never smoked, never did drugs, never partied, never snuck out in the middle of the night, never had sex, and always tried to do the "right thing".

Now was the time to do the things I never let myself do before…only this time (since I was on my way to becoming a young adult woman) there were consequences to my actions…some a little more detrimental than others. This time around I wasn’t going to simply miss recess, get sent to the principal’s office, or get a lecture from my mom. This time around, the consequences would look a little different.

SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 1

I had this grand plan to blog about each of my questions relating to faith and doubt individually until I had exhausted all the questions and hopefully…come to find some of the answers…or at least find some peace in the fact that I might not ever do so…and in the process, I’ve gotten somewhat sidetracked.

Lately, I find myself wanting to spend a little more time walking through what happened to me as my faith left me. Although your journey may be (and probably is) different than mine, I hope you can still appreciate it for what it is: one girl’s story…one girl’s reaction to losing the one thing that was holding her together.

Without the arms of God wrapped around me, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had to start from scratch and re-form all my thought about the world and how it works, about what was right and what was wrong.

 I was unable to concentrate…on anything besides the fact that I could no longer believe in the one thing that seemed to give my life meaning.

My studies suffered…reading the assigned text was no longer important, papers could be put off to the last minute and studying for tests didn’t happen anymore, it’s no small miracle that I somehow managed to get through my Psychology senior project (honestly I’m surprised I didn’t fail all my classes in those first few months)

I started skipping classes like it was my job.

I stopped going to chapel (which was required at the Christian University that I attended)

I called in to work sick multiple times despite the fact that I wasn’t actually sick.

I would lay awake at night torturing myself with constant questions, fears, what-if’s, etc.

And then I slept all through the day.

I avoided most of my friends (especially the “really good Christian” ones)

I avoided my family.

Things that used to matter didn’t matter anymore.

While I was awake, my mind never seemed to stop - always thinking, always asking, always wondering...I was driving myself crazy with the nonstop chatter inside my head, most of which was disjointed and somehow circular all at the same time. Which is probably part of the reason why I slept so much, my mind needed a break!! The pain I felt at this time, although mostly mental or emotional actually felt physically painful too, which is kind of weird to say but also entirely true.