SYMPTOM OF A FAITH LOST - PART 10

(one of) The Turn-Around(s)

Hitting rock bottom sure has a way of sending a skeptic straight back into the arms of religion...here’s yet another journal entry:

Dear God:

Thank you for revealing your truth to me. It’s been so long since I’ve believed – since I’ve wanted to believe. I’m excited because I know things are better than they were simply because I have let you in. You make everything so much better. All my problems will not go away and there will be hard times, but it’s different now because I’m with you. From the moment that I began to really question and really doubt and step out of faith there was a trail of MESS constantly following behind me and I am glad to know that it does not have to continue. In fact, right now I am going to grab a scissor, I'm going to turn around and I'm going to cut the string that connected me to that trail of mess…as far as I'm concerned, it is no longer behind me and will no longer taint the good things in my life. And I realized something about the other day in chapel when I was crying at the altar…It wasn’t an uncontrollable or unexplainable force that brought me to my knees….it was me – I finally surrendered my stubbornness, I surrendered my questions, I surrendered my doubts and my intense resistance, I surrendered my rebellion….and I believe that God honored that and he took a hammer (or a right hand! Lol) to that big huge wall standing in front of me. As I was on my knees I could feel something break. I felt a release and it felt so real. I don’t know exactly why it happened to be only two days later that I ended up making some pretty shitty decisions and went out with that guy again…it was like the wall that had just been attacked was up and standing erect, stronger than ever - the very next day – but why? I’m not sure I understand why right now but I think what happened was really the wake-up call that I needed. It sucked to go through it and it sucks to still be going through it but it caused me to turn my eyes upwards to you and so in an odd way I’m grateful for it. I feel so different now than I did even a few weeks ago. It’s hard to explain but before I felt so tied down to disbelief, so bound to doubt and to rebellion, like I was trapped – it was like I knew it wasn’t the best for me but I couldn’t make any other choice but to rebel and I don’t feel that way anymore.

After that one horrible night, I had a lot of healing to do. If I thought I was angry before, I was mistaken, and if I thought I hated that guy before, I couldn't be more wrong.

Even though I had clung back to religion and GOD and faith (and constantly had Christian songs like Nichole Nordeman’s “Mercies New”, Rita Springer’s “Freedom Reigns” and Eddie Kirkland’s “How He Loves” playing from my itunes on repeat…) I still had a ridiculous amount of pain and anger and hate pent up inside me and it needed to find its way out of me.