Calling it "Quits"...again
I finally came to the realization that spending my nights in this dudes bed was not doing me any favors. If this “GOD” was real, he wouldn’t be pleased with it and spending my time wrapped up in his sheets was keeping me from the things I really wanted…a true love…a guy who would really see me and care for me, in a way that this other “guy” never could. I decided to stop seeing him. I was very confident in my position to leave him alone, and that very next day a friend of mine asked me to go to chapel…she said that I...“needed to be there.”
Normally a simple request wouldn’t have influenced me to go to chapel, especially considering the way I had been feeling lately, but this time was different. I felt certain that if I didn’t go, I would miss out on something…and so I went.
Here is an excerpt from my journal about what happened:
Something happened in chapel….I think something broke. That’s what it felt like anyways. All through worship, even though I wasn’t singing and wasn’t standing, I felt somehow different and I began to cry. It wasn’t much more than a tear here and there. I felt such strong emotion yet didn’t quite know why. At the end of the message, the speaker did an alter call reaching out to the people "who had fallen away and were doing things they were not supposed to be doing". This certainly could have been applied to me but I was still in one of my stubborn “I don’t believe” “this is a bunch of bullshit” attitudes and there was no way I was going up to the alter. I wasn’t ready to leave yet either for some reason. I continued to sit there and all of a sudden I was down on my knees with my head down. I don’t know exactly why I did it but it felt like a physical representation of a sort of surrender of my spirit or will or something. A friend came over to pray for me and in that moment something came over me because I just started to really cry my eyes out (tears falling to the ground, body shaking uncontrollably and snot dripping down my face) and I couldn’t stop it or hold it back. I’m not fully sure what to make of it right now but it seemed like a sort of breakthrough. I thought it felt like God was pursuing me – perhaps illustrating to me why I should definitely leave “that guy” alone. It was like he was showing me what it felt like to be truly, sincerely, and honorable pursued. It made me feel, for the first time in a long time, like I was worthy of that sort of pursuit.
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