SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 9

The Rock Hits Bottom

Unfortunately, my breakthrough was not enough to keep me away from "him".

This “guy” asks me to go get drinks with him on a Friday night and all my strength goes out the window. I had been dying to go out for drinks with this guy but he always refused. I just couldn’t say no.

Here’s another journal entry written after the events of that evening:

I still can’t believe what has happened in the last 24 hours. I have never in my life had that much hard alcohol (and I’m pretty sure it will never happen again). It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. Somewhere in between that first shot of patron, the long island ice tea and that last lemon drop…things got pretty fuzzy. What really scares me about drinking is the power it has to alter your behavior. I had always heard it said that alcohol lowers your inhibitions but I have NEVER had a desire to do what I remember doing last night...at least not with him. I can still vividly recall what it was like. And I never once thought that it was weird or wrong, it was as if it was completely normal. What trips me out is that it felt so natural. I never once questioned what I was doing. It was like I’d done it a hundred times before. And even though I can remember it, it’s like I’m remembering somebody else’s story, somebody else’s life, somebody else's actions. My choices as of late have not been so good. I need to start making better choices. What scares me is the fact that I CAN’T REMEMBER what happened next. He said we had sex but I can’t prove whether that asshole is telling the truth or a lie. I might have lost my virginity last night but I can’t know that for sure and maybe I never will. I can’t even begin to explain how much that hurts. What scares me even more is the possibility of getting pregnant or having an STD. I would be surprised if he didn’t have any diseases (because he can't seem to keep his pants on) but I hope that he doesn’t. I need to stop messing with that dude.

After telling me that we had sex, he sent me on my way because "he had a study group to attend to" and he said he would call me later that afternoon. I drove home, sick as a dog, having to stop on my way to throw up along the side of the road. I slept it off and pretended like nothing had happened. None of my friends even knew that I had been spending the night with this guy and I certainly wasn’t ready to tell anyone that I had just lost my virginity to the asshole who had cheated on me when we were together - and on top of that, I couldn’t even remember it!

The “guy” never called me and I was feeling about as low as I could be. I decided that I really needed to know whether he was telling the truth…I just had to know whether or not I really had sex with him, and I knew I should probably get checked anyway. I was going to go to Planned Parenthood or something like that to see if they could tell whether or not I had sex, but they told me to go to the ER. And so I went. I told them what had happened and what I wanted to know…20 minutes later I found myself in a sterile room with my feet in the stir-ups and this lady telling me all about how I had been raped (which by the way, had NEVER crossed my mind until that very moment).

“There is no such thing as consent when you are drunk and given the fact that this guy knew how you felt about not wanting to have sex, he took advantage of you in your intoxicated state. He took from you what you would not give to him in a sober state.”

I was in a whirlwind of thoughts, emotions, and realities. This guy had still not called me (it was a couple days later at this point) and I was alone with the knowledge and the pain of what did (or did not) happen. I was starting to believe her…and then my phone rang. It was him. This guy always did have the most uncanny timing. He would call me as I’m in the ER attempting to figure out whether we did or did not have sex, experiencing the first pap smear of my life, getting poked and prodded, having my whole body examined, taking pills to prevent STD’s and unwanted pregnancy, and listening to this lady talking all about how I had been raped.

I called that guy back after I got home and I let him have it. I cussed at him and called him all types of names. I told him that I went to the ER and got a rape kit done…which is when he decided to tell me that he was “JUST JOKING” when he said we had sex. This asshole was just joking???? Are you kidding me? He said that he was so drunk that even he didn’t remember all of what had taken place that night. (It’s just like him to tell a lie like that and not think twice) I told him I was pressing charges with the police (that was the only way I could get the results of all the tests they did at the hospital) - he got scared - I delighted in the fact that he thought his life was about to end (even though I never really had any real intention of going to the police) - and then I hung up the phone.

The thing is...if this guy really cared about me at all, he wouldn’t have let me walk out of his house that morning with the thought that we had had sex, when he really didn’t know. He knew that I had never had sex, and he knew that I wanted to wait until marriage, and I know he saw the horror and the shock and the despair in my face when he told me that we did.

This guy had been like a drug to me…an addictive, yet overwhelmingly toxic substance…and I realized that I really needed to quit him…and I needed desperately to quit him for good this time.