If you Exist

Wrote this a few years ago, just found it and realized I can still identify with most of this...

To: YOU…if YOU exist…..

Lord…God…Father…

Who are you?

What are you?

Are YOU real????

What is real?

What is true?

Nothing is real

Everything is real

At the same time

Nothing is true

Anything is true

Who decides what is real?

WE DECIDE.

Or do we?

If we don’t decide, then who does?

Free will

Because we have it, does that mean God doesn’t have control?

He gave it to me

Or did he?

Maybe he doesn’t even exist

Maybe we made him up

Maybe WE created HIM

To answer our questions

To give us purpose

To explain this life

To give things meaning and value

Maybe HE is nothing more than a good idea

Nothing more than a wish, a hope, an ideal……

Archeology…this stone with words of a different language

Somebody told me it says Goliath

Ok; so what of it?

It’s just a stone!!!

You can’t tell me that it proves anything.

It doesn’t prove that Goliath existed,

That he was 9 ½ feet tall,

That David slung a rock at him

That he died

That David was real

That David was king

That God made a promise…

And fulfilled it

That Christ is real

That this faith is true

Really???

You cannot make all those claims from that one little stone!!!!

The stone proves NOTHING!

It is just a stone

A stone with writing on it

I don’t even know if I believe you when you say it says Goliath

I don’t even know you

How do you know?

Isn’t Aramaic a dead language?

How do you translate a dead language?

Why should I believe you?

Who says you’re right?

Truth:

What is it?

How do we determine it?

Maybe truth is nothing more than first hand experience.

I believe that this chair will hold me up…because it is holding me up

I believe that my hair is long….because I’ve combed it

I believe that I have feet….because I’ve put shoes on them on walked on them

I believe that I should eat…..because I’ve been hungry

I believe that rain is wet…..because I’ve felt it on my skin

I believe that this computer is real…..because I’m touching it

I believe that somebody is cooking right now…..because I can smell it and see it

My senses decide the truth

My eyes, my ears, my mouth, my hands….even my memories

They are what define truth for me

NOT some guy in Israel

NOT some philosopher or archeologist or theologian

I don’t even know them, have never seen them, can’t touch them

MY senses tell me they don’t exist - their bodies, their words, their truths.

They do not determine truth for me…

Unless I allow them to

And that’s on ME!

That’s my choice.

Do I have a patent on truth?

Because I’m having trouble accepting everybody else’s

I decide what is true!

NOT some textbook

NOT some stone

NOT some scroll

NOT some person

NOT some church

NOT some institution

NOT some school

Are YOU still there?

I’m confused

I’m angry

I’m stuck

I’m frustrated

WHO ARE YOU?????!!!!!

WHY CAN’T I BELIEVE IN YOU????

Nevertheless, I am writing this to YOU

What a CoNtRAdIcTiOn!

I write to YOU, the one I QUESTION…the one I DOUBT

But who else do I write to?

I don’t want to write to anyone else

I want to believe in YOU

I want to trust in YOU

All these years…

I went to church

I talked of you

I prayed to you

I thought of you

And heard of you

I learned about you

And believed in you – had faith in you….

OR DID I???

Honestly, I do not believe that “faith” was my own

It never was

I was renting what I should have owned for myself

I’m mad that it took me this long to realize

But I don’t think it’s too late

I MUST REARRANGE!!!

I will not walk around in somebody else’s faith

In somebody else’s truth

In somebody else’s conviction

In somebody else’s passion

I must make my own foundation

I must demolish THEIRS

I have to start over

EVERYTHING IS FLUID

NOTHING IS ABSOLUTE

But it is OK

If you are real and are who I suspect…or suspected you to be

I have to believe that you are ok with me

Ok with me here

Happy that I am feeling

Happy that I am questioning

Happy that I am doubting

Happy that I am frustrated

Happy that I am searching

Happy that I am thinking

PLEASED

PATIENT

What does somebody else’s faith do for me?

NOTHING!!!

I am reorganizing and rebuilding

And DESPITE my doubt

I still cry out to YOU

Asking that you help me to put things back together

Asking that you pull me out of this rebellion

Asking that you give me passion and conviction

I want to be with you

But I want to get there for real

And be there for real

Believe you completely

I do not want to be double minded

Do not want to be on both sides of the fence

But I guess this is where I need to be right now…