I remember one of the very first chapel services (which were mandatory at my University) I attended after my conscious decision to close my Bible and to stop my prayers. I was sitting on the stairs and I had my homework on my lap…passive aggressively protesting the fact that I was even being required to be there in the first place.
We had a special speaker that day…I have no idea who it was and do not remember what the topic of his message was, but at some point he put up some words on the big screen and asked that everyone in the auditorium raise their right hand to Jesus and recite the words together as a community…it doesn’t sound too alarming at first (and maybe in actuality it really was not all that alarming) but to me it was the most absurd thing I had witnessed in that chapel up until that point.
Needless to say I did NOT obey his request, instead I found myself (with a bewildered and almost frightened look on my face) in a sea of arms, raised in what seemed hauntingly similar to a Nazi salute…my own thoughts drowned out momentarily by the monotony and uniformity of voices reciting whatever was written on that big screen. I asked myself: Self, where are you right now? Nazi Germany? A cult fathering? Am I being brainwashed right now? Is this a social experiment? Is this guy joking? Where’s the camera?
Now, to be fair, I’m not suggesting that this speaker had any ill intentions…only that my whole worldview had suddenly (and hopefully not permanently) shifted. Actions which would have seemed common to me only a week before were suddenly preposterous and could even be considered “mindless”, “unthinking”, “scary”, or “evil”.
The people with their hands raised during worship, the ones who jumped up and down, or fell prostrate on the ground, the ones who laughed, or smiled, or wept during worship suddenly looked so odd to me. I couldn’t understand what they could possibly be doing. I wondered…
Do they really know what they’re doing?
Do they truly feel the presence of God or are they faking it? Are they simply practicing something they learned when they were little, something they were taught to do by watching others?
Do they really feel anything right now or are they just doing what they think they’re supposed to be doing…or what they just saw the person next to them doing?
Do their arms hurt? Are they trying to punish themselves…or earn a few more “good Christian” points by seeing who can hold their arm up the longest…or jump the highest…or dance the prettiest?
Are they for real???
And church (although I rarely attend anymore) has not been what it once was since that day.
I feel the same way when our pastor holds up the Bible and makes bold statements about it's inerrancy from cover to cover, and if you don't believe that then you must not be a "true Christian". Between that and the high pressure altar calls it's hard to sit through, so I haven't been a in a while. I'm still attempting to go to Sunday School, but that's getting equally difficult.
ReplyDeleteFor me, switching to a liturgical church was healing. They don't do the "raise your hand if" or high pressure altar call stuff.
ReplyDeleteI still struggle with faith/belief/doubt, but i do find that belonging to an organized church works for me in many ways, and the liturgical services feel the "safest" to me.
@D'Ma - yeah, I tried to continue to go for awhile but I just found myself getting angry and in the smaller more intimate settings where group discussion was common, I just felt like my opinions and questions weren't welcome...like the minute I started sharing them I didn't belong to the club anymore and I couldn't just sit there and swallow everything they were saying.
ReplyDelete@Kathryn - maybe I'll need to venture out and try a different type of church service, maybe it would take away enough of my irritation and skepticism so that I can actually hear what they're saying...
Faith(less) and Dma, I definitely encourage you to check out different churches. You need to "breathe" as Dagood said, and that means getting out of an environment that makes you sad or bitter or ashamed. Let the emotions settle, even if you have to take a break from church.
ReplyDeleteWe have been attending a liturgical Anglican church and it was helpful for a time. But I think it doesn't quite fit me either...perhaps not progressive/liberal enough...I'm not sure. Something about the high church aspect of it makes it all feel cultural and unreal.