I remember the day when it all fell away.
I watched as pieces of myself fell to the pavement so hard
and then washed away after all the rain.
You see, it all started with those questions...
it was 1, then 6, then 12.
I was straddling the fence of faith
and was struggling to keep my balance.
I wanted to believe - but then I couldn't
Wanted to seek him - but then I wouldn't
I just couldn't take the indecision
Couldn't handle having two minds.
I chose the side of disbelief,
because I couldn't commit to the other.
From that day forward,
my Bible stayed closed
and the prayers....
they ceased to exist.
I decided I wanted to have
BOTH FEET
on one side
and that was the price I chose to pay.
And on that day,
my faith wasn't the only thing to fall away.
It was my faith that had given me my identity,
it told me who I was.
My foundation had crumbled,
down to the very last brick
and my world was upside down.
My morals, my standards, and my convictions...
were NOWHERE to be found.
I couldn no longer tell the difference,
between
good and bad
I didn't know who I was anymore
and nothing in the world seemed to matter.
I decided I would do all the things I never did.
I would break all the rules...
do all the wrong things.
But rebellion it turns out
is a habit that's hard to break
and I learned that lesson the hard way.
Rebellion might have been enticing and exciting
but it brought with it destruction and pain.
My purpose was gone,
along with the GOD I thought could give it.
And honestly, I didnt' see a point...
in living
in school
in work
in play
What does it matter if we all cease to exist someday?
I began to consider the alternatives to the God they had told me about
and not one of them seemed more true.
I think if I'm going to subscribe to a faith again,
it will be like the one I've been running from,
but right now I can't seem to turn around...
These doubts??
I can't seem to put them down.
And in all the time I've spent on this side of the fence,
I'll confess that I'm not happy with what I've found.
I don't see a purpose.
I don't see a plan.
I'm just left with more questions
and things I don't understand.
I watched as pieces of myself fell to the pavement so hard
and then washed away after all the rain.
You see, it all started with those questions...
it was 1, then 6, then 12.
I was straddling the fence of faith
and was struggling to keep my balance.
I wanted to believe - but then I couldn't
Wanted to seek him - but then I wouldn't
I just couldn't take the indecision
Couldn't handle having two minds.
I chose the side of disbelief,
because I couldn't commit to the other.
From that day forward,
my Bible stayed closed
and the prayers....
they ceased to exist.
I decided I wanted to have
BOTH FEET
on one side
and that was the price I chose to pay.
And on that day,
my faith wasn't the only thing to fall away.
It was my faith that had given me my identity,
it told me who I was.
My foundation had crumbled,
down to the very last brick
and my world was upside down.
My morals, my standards, and my convictions...
were NOWHERE to be found.
I couldn no longer tell the difference,
between
good and bad
I didn't know who I was anymore
and nothing in the world seemed to matter.
I decided I would do all the things I never did.
I would break all the rules...
do all the wrong things.
But rebellion it turns out
is a habit that's hard to break
and I learned that lesson the hard way.
Rebellion might have been enticing and exciting
but it brought with it destruction and pain.
My purpose was gone,
along with the GOD I thought could give it.
And honestly, I didnt' see a point...
in living
in school
in work
in play
What does it matter if we all cease to exist someday?
I began to consider the alternatives to the God they had told me about
and not one of them seemed more true.
I think if I'm going to subscribe to a faith again,
it will be like the one I've been running from,
but right now I can't seem to turn around...
These doubts??
I can't seem to put them down.
And in all the time I've spent on this side of the fence,
I'll confess that I'm not happy with what I've found.
I don't see a purpose.
I don't see a plan.
I'm just left with more questions
and things I don't understand.
Beautiful and heartfelt!
ReplyDeleteVery touching. I started out agnostic and stayed that way until my epiphany when I was 42. It was quite simple. I realized that no one could prove the existence of God, and no one could disprove it either. Thus it was a choice. And I chose God, because tens of hundreds of minds, over the centuries believed, and they were minds must greater than mind. It made sense.
ReplyDeleteSince that time, I've found lots of reason to believe I am right, none of which rise to any emperical level of proof. But they are clear to me.
Learning how the bible was constructed, what parts are the oldest, when books were written and why has helped me make sense of it. And my faith grows as I see the bible as a compilation of writings of other people who were inspired to give their understand of who and what God is.
It is a "people's walk with their God" and it grows and evolves over time. Today we stand at the pinnacle of that growth and we see to move forward and upward, refining and sharpening our understanding.
God is big enough to take all the questions and doubts. His love is never-ending no matter what we think. Our future is secure--all of our futures. To think that God creates failures is simply not giving him enough credit. God judges the heart as they say.
Blessings to you in your journey. I shall keep tabs on how you are coming along.
Love this. In some ways, my journey has been different than yours, since my crisis hit in my 30s while married with young kids, so rebellion is not a desire nor a wish anymore, rather, I am attracted to the idea of over-protecting my children via fundamentalism;). Yet, because I'm still living just the same as before, it makes it all the harder to look at Christianity as the truth. I don't have the desire to drink or do drugs or any of the other things I was prohibited from doing in my college days that everyone else was doing. Sometimes, I wonder, had I been raised in a different era (like that of Jane Austen), would I be striving to attach to Christianity as much as I do. Does this make sense? I don't mean to criticize your journey so I hope it doesn't make you feel that way. Quite the contrary, I love hearing your story!
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to mention, the idea of a meaningless chance universe without a God actually becomes less scary with time, or it has for me...so I wouldn't necessarily worry about that aspect of doubt...although for my husband, he cannot imagine a Godless universe, but he sees sick patient everyday, so the idea of death is very real for him. Yet, even as I've become accustomed to the idea of a Godless universe, I guess I really have a sincere hope that there is something more out there that awaits us. And that is the "hope" that I have, one of the reasons I remain agnostic Christian.
Thanks for the feedback you guys :)
ReplyDelete@Like a Child - I also cannot let go of that hope - that hope that the stories they told me are true - that the God who I thought I could feel is real. I find myself sometimes wishing I could just have the blind faith I see in so many people around me...or just turn my mind off long enough for my heart to let that belief return to me once again.
I though of you as i listened to the ad hoc christianity podcat on faith...it was an interesting discussion...unique perspectives.
ReplyDelete