...started roughly 4 years ago, while I was in the middle of my college education at a Christian University (of all places).
It started with one question, which led to two, then fifty, then a hundred. Soon the questions took control and even though I was nowhere nearer to the answers I was seeking...I simply could not (or would not) stop the questions.
I remember vividly one day, walking to class late, after having slept through my alarm - a short prayer popped up into my head. The details have since escaped me, but most likely the prayer had something to do with wishing that my teacher would accept my 10-page paper for full credit even though I was 30 minutes late, or hoping that I'd still be able to start that end of the semester final exam, even though I was 30 minutes late...or something of that sort. Anyways, the prayer that popped up in my head isn't the important part of the story.
The important part is what happened next. As I found myself praying that prayer, I stopped myself dead in my tracks. I literally stopped moving and made a decision...that I would no longer pray, or open my Bible until I could find myself on the "faith" side of the fence that I had been sitting on for so long. I couldn't stand sitting on that damn fence anymore. Always believing in God and praying to him, but simultaneously doubting him and wondering if I was just wasting my breath and the time spent in various other "spiritual" activities all centered around a God that I couldn't be 100% (or even 60%) sure even existed. I mean, how foolish is it to continue to talk to, thank and praise, ask favors of, and devote your life to something or someone who you're not even sure is real?
I couldn't do it anymore.
I decided to get off the fence and settle on the only side I could honestly settle on - the side of doubt. And since then, I haven't been able to get back over the fence.
I've tried talking about it with other Christians. Some of which continuously respond with cliche answers such as "You just need to continue to seek God and He will reveal Himself to you" or "You just need to pray more...or worship more....or read your Bible more". Others seemed irritated (and even sometimes scared) by the fact that I would even dare to break into their world of unquestioning faith with my stupid little doubts and questions. To be fair, there were a few who would honestly engage me, and question me, and listen when I would follow rabbit trail after rabbit trail of all the questions that were relentlessly taunting me.
Eventually I grew tired of all the questions and the pain that it was putting me through and I just had to put it all up on the shelf...which is where it has pretty much stayed...until today, when I decided to start a blog.
I figure this is the perfect outlet for me. I no longer have to bore or burden those around me with all of my QUESTIONS and DOUBTS. I don't have to feel bad about repeating myself or stubbornly sticking to a conviction (even if it's ridiculously absurd or illogical) in the face of Christian "reason". Instead, I can blather on all day long on this blog if I want to...and not have to worry about anything but getting my thoughts down in print. Maybe then...just maybe I'll finally wear myself out from asking all these questions, or maybe I'll have an epiphany one day that will bring me back to faith, or maybe (and I sincerely hope this is not the case) nothing at all will change. Either way I've decided this is the next step...so here I go......
Good luck with that (not said sarcastically, tho i know it could read that way).
ReplyDeleteI think i've come thru the tunnel. Not that my doubts are gone, but that i'm more comfortable in living with them.
I struggle with prayer, a lot. A LOT. It seems to me that people are going to do what they want, believe what they want, circumstances are going to play out as they will, regardless of . . . whatever. I'm not sure i see God at work much as far as "answering prayers." Think i've got an entire post to write on this one - and many, many of my Christian friends will disagree.
Blather away, friend! We will hear you out!
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, another blogging "friend" created a blog this week focusing on doubt. http://deconstructingmyselfdma.blogspot.com/
Look forward to reading your next post.
I feel your pain! Maybe we can help each other get through this. I wish I had been able to put my doubts on a shelf. I feel I can't rest now until I have an answer, although an answer may be illusive. My doubts started about four months ago and I haven't been able to pray for about the last two months. I used to find joy in reading the scriptures, but now that seems gone as well. I'll keep in touch with you as you go on this journey.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to connect with Dma. I was struck at the coincidence. DoOrDoNot and I are sort of "doubt" partners as well ... kindred spirits. These kind of coincidences make me still wonder if Christianity is real, and keep me trekking forward.
ReplyDeleteJust keep writing and asking. This is a life journey so there is no hurry. God has all the time in the world. No question is wrong. You will slowly learn what to read. Don't be afraid of your doubts, and don't be afraid to admit you don't believe. The road has plenty of backtracking and detours for all of us. All roads lead to the same place, believe it or not. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI followed you here from D'Ma's and Like A Child's blog. There's alot of us doubters out here. My faith crisis began in college, but I stifled it for many years because I had no one who could handle my questioning (in the days before blogs. Anyway, I appreciate your willingness to explore and dig deep.
ReplyDelete@Kathryn – it’s encouraging to hear someone say they’ve come through the tunnel! I’m hoping one day to be able to stay the same, although I fully realize (as you probably have as well) that my faith, if I ever get back to it, certainly won’t look the same as it once did…and maybe that’s ok.
ReplyDelete@Like a Child – thank you! I’m so excited to finally be out here sharing my thoughts…so many of them have been trapped up inside my mind and in the pages of my journal, it’s time to let them out! And thank you for introducing me to D’Ma’s blog.
@D’Ma – definitely glad that Like a Child introduced me to your blog, it certainly does sound like we’re having some of the same thoughts.
Witshadows – good to hear somebody say that – I try to tell myself that too when I get too frustrated, too caught up or too hopeless…I have TIME and it’s OK to be here in this place –I’m just afraid I’ll be stuck here forever and that’s not ok with me.
DoOrDoNot – geez – college did me in too! I’m so glad that I finally decided to come on and start a blog to let out some of these thoughts –it’s good to know others are out there dealing with the same(or similar) thoughts/questions. We are not in this alone!
I'm late to the party here, but wanted to say thanks for sharing! My crisis of faith/worldview/epistemology started a few weeks before this post, in December 2010...finding blogs like yours in the past few weeks has really helped me in mourning my lost faith and accepting myself how I am, which happens to be agnostic and (for now) atheist. I'm eager to learn/read more about your journey!
ReplyDelete@Dave - I'm interested to know more about the origin of your crisis of faith. Is there a defining moment you remember turning it all around for you? What are the biggest roadblocks that prevent you from adhering to the faith you once held as truth?
ReplyDelete