SYMPTOMS OF A FAITH LOST - PART 3

NOTE TO SELF: you're first relationship should NOT be born out of a time of turmoil...

Out of nowhere my various groups of friends/associates start to merge together into this large group of people…and “this guy” finds his way in (with a little help from me, who OF COURSE wants to spend as much time with him as possible…and has always wished that even if we don’t end up “together”…that he could at least be my "friend"). He fits in perfectly and everybody (obviously) loves him. Our big group of friends is now spending a lot of time together. It’s not uncommon to stay over at this person’s house or that person’s house until 2 or 3 in the morning and then do it all again the next night. I’ve seen a glimpse of “this guy’s” manipulative powers but he’s also VERY charming and VERY enticing. Even though I KNOW (and have known it for years) that I would love nothing more than to be with him, I’m still very hesitant.

I’m noticing a common theme in my resistance to both “this guy” and religion – and that is the whole manipulation factor. The only difference is in my reaction. It causes me to run with abandon away from organized religion and belief, but it somehow draws me even closer to “this guy”, I can’t seem to resist him any longer. We start to spend some one-on-one time together…and a couple months later we’re officially “together”.

This guy is exactly what I needed (or so I think at the time). He is intrigued by the way my mind works, he thinks it's cute the way I wear my emotions on my sleeve and sometimes open up my mouth to speak before I really know what I'm going to say or really know how I feel about something. He sees how I sometimes contradict myself, how I waver indecisively back and forth on things and yet he still likes me, he still wants to get to know me, still wants to spend time with me. And although he’s a Christian and he’s never doubted his faith, he listens to me as I go on and on about all the doubts and all the questions I have. He listens and he questions me and he makes me feel like its ok. He makes me feel like it’s safe to be in this place…with him…as he supports me.

I never tell him this, but (regardless of all the shit he put me through - which will come later) he stabilized me in a way (in reference to my faith crisis) that nobody else could at this point in my life.