The Journey into Africa...
About a month after getting into a relationship with “this guy”, I was getting on a plane to Africa. We were scheduled to spend a few weeks in Uganda, working at Christ Restoration Outreach, an organization that offers a place for street children to receive medical care, eat, play, and go to school. Next we were headed off to a Retreat Center along the Nile River for a 2 day Spiritual Retreat before heading off to Tanzania to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro.
In the weeks and months leading up to the trip I can’t tell you how often I felt like a cheat…like a fraud. I wondered if they would kick me off the trip if they knew about all the doubts going on in my mind. Would they still allow me to be a part of this trip if they knew how close I was to complete disbelief? I chose not to fully disclose my current state of faith(lessness) but did casually mention that I had doubts. Nobody scorned me for my doubts (but then I hadn’t been completely honest either) and so I went. In the final days before my departure I decided that I would give God this trip. I would open up my mind and my heart (as much as I could) in the hopes that this God I wasn’t so sure even existed would show up in Africa and show himself to me. It wasn’t until the spiritual retreat along the beautiful Nile River that I even saw a glimpse of anything at all.
The owner of the retreat center was leading a devotion of sorts about how important it is to set time aside to be quiet and still and to let God speak to us. I thought “YES! Finally…this is what I came here for. God’s about to speak to me…hold on, let me go get my pencil!”
I started my quiet time with a journal entry…
God I do not quite know where to begin. I know you can always see me…my thoughts, my actions, my words. And lately I have been struggling to keep my faith in you. My head and my heart have been fighting and lately my head has been much stronger. Doubts and questions of your existence have been overpowering the faith and peace and assurance I once felt within your presence. But yet a part of me must still believe. If all I had was disbelief there would be no struggle…right? I don’t want to be divided anymore; I want to run completely after YOUR HEART. I know that you do not want me to turn my mind off but I’m having difficulties keeping my mind on and still maintaining faith. What do I need to do? How can my mind and my heart be changed? I want to be honest with you Lord and I want to know your thoughts about me. I want to hear you speak to me.
This is what I thought I heard God say to me:
“My child, I am still here. And I am patient with you doubts. I know that when you seek me you will find me and so I am not worried. I love you so much that I am willing to wait until I can have your heart completely.”
(“His” words here were more than a little reminiscent of a poem that a friend of mine had written for me over 5 years earlier [which made it difficult for me to trust the words as God’s alone – maybe I just made it up, using bits and pieces of things I had heard before…of things that I would imagine…of things that I so badly wanted to hear God say to me…]. I don’t remember all the words, but my friend’s poem went a little like this… “I am still here child, just look up and know that it’s me. I am still here child, it’s time to grow and not die in fear. I am still here child, loving you on whenever and today, I am still here child…)
This was followed by another journal entry…
Lord I pray that you would reveal to me why I have struggled as I have. Why I fear the things I fear and why I doubt the things I doubt. I pray you would teach me the lessons you want me to learn through these experiences. Lord what are your thoughts about me?
What I thought I heard God saying…
“I’m going to use your analytical and questioning mind in a good way. You do not need to feel guilty or bad for how your mind works. It will help you to not accept things without thinking for yourself. You keep asking me, “What do I need to do?” That’s why little has changed. You need to realize that you can’t and that I can and you need to let me do it.”
“You are beautiful and worthy. You are able and desirable.”
“You are like a tree that has been planted, has grown and then has been uprooted and planted somewhere new. You are vulnerable now and require special care if you are to grow properly. You need lots of nourishment and you are responsible to get it. You must realize that your best nourishment will come from my word and you must seek for it often.”
This all seems like common sense or wishful thinking, both of which certainly could have been made up by me.
A little while later, I saw two butterflies flying crazily around, darting in different directions but always staying together, almost as if one of them was chasing the other. I feel like God was saying that’s what it’s like between me and him, only instead of me seeking after Him, it has been him following behind me as I dart about, not sure of my direction or whether I am on my way to where I need to be or not. If I would just be still, I would find that he is right next to me, and if I were chasing after him he wouldn’t dart about as I have been. I would find him still and waiting in one place for me. I think He wants me to be still and stop rushing about.
Some time later, as I’m lying on my back on a giant trampoline (yes there’s a giant trampoline at the retreat center along the Nile River in Africa…weird I know)
I just saw a bird fly around in two circles in front of me. It was a pretty big bird and it was kind of soaring…wings wide spread just sort of allowing the wind to carry it along. It looked so effortless – this is what I thought of: that’s kind of like us. If we would just surrender (open our wings up wide) and let God (the wind) carry us along we would go along much smoother than if we resisted or hesitated, because that’s when we fall and that’s when we doubt.
These last two ideas or images I received from watching the nature around me seemed to reflect truth, however I cannot guarantee that they came from God and I certainly cannot attest to hearing anybody’s voice bouncing around in my head (other than my own of course).
I’d like to say that my experience along the Nile River changed my life and flipped my faith crisis inside out…but as you can see from all the blue writing – it did no such thing. The words I thought I heard stayed with me for the remainder of the trip and they comforted me while I was miles and miles away from my home and everything familiar, but the minute I stepped foot back onto American soil, the words slipped away…dismissed as [re]manufactured bits and pieces of things I had heard before, of wishful thinking and of common sense.
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