I had this grand plan to blog about each of my questions relating to faith and doubt individually until I had exhausted all the questions and hopefully…come to find some of the answers…or at least find some peace in the fact that I might not ever do so…and in the process, I’ve gotten somewhat sidetracked.
Lately, I find myself wanting to spend a little more time walking through what happened to me as my faith left me. Although your journey may be (and probably is) different than mine, I hope you can still appreciate it for what it is: one girl’s story…one girl’s reaction to losing the one thing that was holding her together.
Without the arms of God wrapped around me, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had to start from scratch and re-form all my thought about the world and how it works, about what was right and what was wrong.
I was unable to concentrate…on anything besides the fact that I could no longer believe in the one thing that seemed to give my life meaning.
My studies suffered…reading the assigned text was no longer important, papers could be put off to the last minute and studying for tests didn’t happen anymore, it’s no small miracle that I somehow managed to get through my Psychology senior project (honestly I’m surprised I didn’t fail all my classes in those first few months)
I started skipping classes like it was my job.
I stopped going to chapel (which was required at the Christian University that I attended)
I called in to work sick multiple times despite the fact that I wasn’t actually sick.
I would lay awake at night torturing myself with constant questions, fears, what-if’s, etc.
And then I slept all through the day.
I avoided most of my friends (especially the “really good Christian” ones)
I avoided my family.
Things that used to matter didn’t matter anymore.
While I was awake, my mind never seemed to stop - always thinking, always asking, always wondering...I was driving myself crazy with the nonstop chatter inside my head, most of which was disjointed and somehow circular all at the same time. Which is probably part of the reason why I slept so much, my mind needed a break!! The pain I felt at this time, although mostly mental or emotional actually felt physically painful too, which is kind of weird to say but also entirely true.
None of that is weird. I felt much the same way. And although I didn't miss any work, my head wasn't into it. My work suffered to a great degree. I can very much relate to the despondency you have felt and maybe still feel. Though I am in a much better place now, I still avoid the "really good Christian" friends to a large degree because they speak about God and their faith in a way that I can no longer relate to and then the silence on my part feels awkward.
ReplyDeleteThankfully I can reassure you that it does get better. Like you I'm finding it therapeutic to deal with what I'm going through. I too thought I would go through my questions one at a time until I reached some sort of decision or some place of peace. But my peace has instead come from sharing my story bit by bit. At first I told myself I wouldn't put anything deeply personal on my blog. Now I find myself wanting to give full disclosure. That is where I'm finding peace even in the chaos of the doubts.
This is your blog and this is your story. I encourage you to make this into whatever you need it to be to help you heal.
Thanks D'Ma - I feel similar to you. I wasn't going to really go into the nitty gritty of things but I'm already feeling loads lighter after that post and that's just the beginning. There certainly are benefits to full disclosure - especially when what your disclosing has been hidden from people (with exception to a few) and includes things which I'm not necessarily proud of. And while I'm not (at least at this moment) going to run out and tell all my friends, family, and acquaintances to follow my blog - it's so incredibly freeing to talk about it and let it out in the open. I'm gonna try not to hold back, I'm thinking it will be the most therapuetic if I don't.
ReplyDelete"While I was awake, my mind never seemed to stop - always thinking, always asking, always wondering...I was driving myself crazy with the nonstop chatter inside my head, most of which was disjointed and somehow circular all at the same time. " Yep...me to. I wrote about that somewhere ....A post called blogging through a crisis part 1 (I think), although you did a much better job in capturing the tension. This has been the worse experience of my life. You can ask my husband, he will agree! My church network ended when we left our church (to theoretically find another) - 6 months before the worst of my faith crisis. So I didn't have many close Christian friends at the time.
ReplyDeleteThis journey at times will be marked by depression: lack of motivation, wanting to stay in bed, wanting to be alone. Just be careful that it doesn't consume you.
ReplyDelete@Like a Child - worst experience of mine too I think. I only maintain a close friendship with a few people who are real hardcore about their faith but I don't really feel all that comfortable talking with them about this kind of stuff. They don't understand me, I don't understand them. Which is why doing this blog - and reading about what others in a similar situation have to say is so refreshing.
ReplyDelete@Mark - This post reflects the beginning of the loss of faith so it's definately changed over time and thanksfully it's not bad all the time like it was in the beginning, I still have my moments though.