Into the depths I go...
I was depressed…and nothing seemed to help me get out of the slump I had found myself in. I couldn’t find my smile and I’d lost my desire for most things (with exception to a few of the things that would do me no good). It was like I was starting over, from the ground up. I could be anyone I wanted to be. I could make any choices I wanted to make. There was nothing guiding me…nothing holding me up…nothing telling me where to go…so, I went a few places I probably would not have ever gone otherwise.Unfortunately, this time in my life coincided with a certain fellow (who shall remain nameless…and will henceforth be referred to as “this guy” or “that guy”) who I had kind of had a “thing” for since I first met him a few years earlier, and who was simultaneously trying to get my attention. Up until this point we had hung out a couple times (call them dates if you will, although I’m not entirely sure they were, and would argue till I turned blue to anyone who asked that they WERE NOT DATES!! – because at the time I had just finished reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and was convinced that I had kissed it goodbye too, which was my strongest armor against this guy and successfully kept me from giving into him even though I really really wanted to. I think I didn’t give into him because even though I liked him, my female “intuition” was telling me to stay away – I think I must have known…without really knowing…that something was not quite right…even then.
Well, female intuition was not strong enough to keep me away from this guy after my faith fell away. I suddenly had this attitude of – give me what I want, I’m not going to deny myself, and in fact I should probably say yes to all the things I used to say no to just because I can. Outside of faith, I looked back at all the years I spent within the protective covering of Christianity with a pretty healthy dose of contempt. While others were doing the wrong things and rebelling and partying and getting involved with guys, I steered clear of all the particularly “sinful” things and denied myself. Christianity had started to look like a vehicle for self-denial and I was no longer along for the ride. Growing up, I was the good kid…the one who always raised my hand, the one who turned in all of my homework on time, who never talked back, who listened to my mom and couldn’t tell her a lie, who earned mostly A’s and some B’s, the one who played sports and took honors classes, the one who went to church on Sundays and youth group on Wednesdays , the one who spent her time volunteering and going on missions trips, the one who never drank, never smoked, never did drugs, never partied, never snuck out in the middle of the night, never had sex, and always tried to do the "right thing".
Now was the time to do the things I never let myself do before…only this time (since I was on my way to becoming a young adult woman) there were consequences to my actions…some a little more detrimental than others. This time around I wasn’t going to simply miss recess, get sent to the principal’s office, or get a lecture from my mom. This time around, the consequences would look a little different.
Your post is just devastating. I just hurt to much, thinking of someone in such agony over a improper interpretation of a collection of writings.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be reliving "growing up". True, all young people, myself included, made bad decisions, didn't probe deeply enough into consequences. You seem to be going through that now, released as you state from your anchor--God.
Did your parents teach everything to do in terms of this philosophy? I mean did they not explain why somethings were good or bad in any terms other than God?
Frankly, atheists are as moral as any other group of people. They find morality in the very being of a human being who thinks and must live among others. There is always a moral compass that we all have, and we don't have to actively believe in God in order to realize it.
Common sense to a degree delivers it. One knows intutitively that it is better to treat others as we would like to be treated. Most every faith system on the planet has that proviso.
YOu make decisions that are prudent and after thought help you to achieve a goal, not hurt others, and help in bettering the world. Try to act from that basis, until you can find a better anchor--that would be my advice.
I am deeply saddened for you, seriously. More and more I despise the idea of fundamentalism, for it simply destroys people, far too many at least. I wonder what are the statistics of those who lose faith as opposed to those who find or retain a more rational faith system. And the irony is that fundies rail at atheists. They are the main creators of them.
Thinking about you.
Thanks for sharing - looking for part 3:)
ReplyDelete@witshadows - It's not that my mom didn't teach me right from wrong (and the reasons behind why things were right/wrong) - she definately did. A natural result of that was a close relationship with her and a desire/natural inclination to do the right thing. As I got older I began to associate my "good behavior" with the fact that I was a CHRISTIAN and it wasn't until my teenage years that things like drinking, drugs, parties, and sex became an issue - at that point I was deeply into the religious thing and I chose to abstain (I think mostly) because it was the christian thing to do. I had already made up my mind that none of it was for me. My mom tried to talk with me about all of those things but I tuned her out most of the time and did my best to convince her that she was only wasting her breath because that was "never going to be me" - and I really believed it never would be. When my faith fell away, everything about me seemed to fall away at the same time. I wasn't sure what pieces should or could stay attached to the "new me" and so I flirted with the edges a little bit.
ReplyDelete@Like a Child - part 3, hopefully this weekend!