Why was Jesus so confusing?

And why in the heck did Jesus speak in parables anyway? Why didn’t he just speak plainly? Why did he leave SO MUCH to our understanding, our interpretation, our imagination? Assuming that what he was teaching was relevant to us and important for us to know…WHY did he leave so much ROOM for ERROR? Why does he allow us to get it wrong and fight with each other over who’s interpreting his stories in the most accurate way?

Pick a Little Here…Choose a Little There

So often I’ve seen and heard people in the church “pick and choose” what to believe/endorse/enforce from the Bible. Walking down the halls of a Christian University sixty years ago you would have never seen a young man with hair past his chin, a girl with ear and/or facial piercings, or the multiple tattoos on the arms and legs and toes of passerby. Nowadays it’s commonplace. We all believe that killing is wrong…but we would never dare to put ourselves in the same category as a killer when we tell a little lie or secretly want to catch that married man’s eye. All three actions go against the 10 commandments, but they carry different weight…WHY? And who decided?

The church highlights and underlines in red anything that has to do with gay/lesbian relations as something of the Devil…something to be delivered from but within those same churches come the straight men who sleep around and cheat on their wives, within those same churches come the ladies who gather in groups to gossip about “so-and-so” and “what’s his name” and how they’re going to go to hell for this, that, or the other thing. What is the difference??

Is all of the Bible 100% true, to be taken at its word exactly as it is written? Was the great flood an actual event that really took place or is it simply a symbolic story told to teach a lesson or prove a point? And if it really did happen, how do you account for the fact that a very similar flood story is found in other literature? Who copied who? Or could they possibly be referencing the same event? Did God really allow for Job to be tortured by the Devil? Did the crucifixion actually happen?

And each church/individual seems to take their own (unique and different) experiences into account as they look for ways to synthesis the words/parables/stories of the Bible into everyday circumstances in the attempt to make them easier to understand in our context. It’s only natural that people do this – but when we do, we cannot possibly ALL be right…..can we even be sure that ANY of us is right? I’ve heard too many different interpretations on the same piece of scripture – seen a single piece of scripture pulled and torn and twisted until it fit somebody’s justification for this action or that belief and at the same time seen it pulled and torn and twisted in a different direction in order to fit somebody else’s agenda. We can't possibly all have the right answer.

No more answers to life’s big questions…

The moment I decided to jump over to the other side of the fence my world immediately crashed down around me. Christianity had told me where I came from, who I was, why I was here, and where I was going. I had no answers for these questions anymore.

It got me thinking…what if Christianity is nothing more than a confused man’s (or many men’s) effort to produce some answers for himself?

Christianity is the only thing that explains...

"Christianity is the only thing that explains how that tree got there, why my body works, or how my body was healed..."

I can understand this line of thought.

There are a lot of unexplainable things in this world.

But should I believe in Christianity just because I can't think of anything else that can explain the mysteries and miracles of life?

Where would I be without God???

Someone once challenged me to consider where I would be if it wasn’t for this whole “Christianity” thing…as if it’s real and valid BECAUSE it can save us from bad things or wrong choices.

I wasn’t buying it.

A good healthy conscience and a sense of wrong and right (along with a little luck) can also keep us from bad things, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have to be a Christian to have either.

In fact, I would challenge that Christians may not really have a lot of either of those things either…what they really have is guilt. They feel guilty about doing (or wanting to do) everything that the Bible tells them not to…and guilty about all the things they don’t do that the Bible tells them they should. How do I know?? Because I once was one! (And just to be fair…let me clarify that I do realize that my story is not everybody’s story and that not every Christian walks around with guilt hanging from their neck…but from experience I can say that a lot of them do)

What do you think? Is the fact that Christianity can keep us from bad things and bad choices enough to prove that it’s real? Is it enough reason to believe?

Lack of Trust

A couple months later I end up talking to the director of my dorm at school about all my doubts. I needed someone to talk to that didn’t know me or my back story, someone older and wiser, and hopefully someone who would challenge me. (Also I’m pretty sure my Christian friends were tired of hearing me talk about how Christianity just couldn’t possibly be true…followed by my ever changing list of exactly why not….)

She certainly challenged me to think in ways that I hadn’t been thinking and to come up with answers to things I hadn’t thought of. Unfortunately I almost always had an answer for all of her questions that made perfect sense (at least to me).

Through the course of our conversations I made a list of things that I did and did not trust.

I Trust:

What I experience firsthand (with the exception sometimes to feelings and emotions)

That faith is not fact and therefore can’t necessarily be proven

That some biblical ideals/themes/claims have value and merit regardless of whether they are biblical or Godly or Christian or not

That something bigger than me exists

That I was created and therefore there is a creator

That miraculous things can happen

I Don’t Trust:

That anything is absolute or rather that we can determine what is absolute

That the Bible is infallible

Archeology, books, theologies, history

That Christians have correctly interpreted the scriptures and that the American Christian church has it right when it comes to how to live out your faith/God/Jesus/salvation

Christians in general

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS RESISTANCE IN ME.

In and out of Faith

There have been many times throughout the last 4-5 years that I’ve gone up and down, in and out of faith. I have it and then suddenly it slips away again before I can readjust my grip. Throughout the whole time, one thing has NEVER changed. I have not for a second stopped wanting it.

After the crisis passes my faith immediately falls away again. I justify that my reverting to Christianity so quickly after going through a hard time is only proof that religion IS a coping mechanism, which is one of the reasons why I just can’t trust it. The fact that religion did serve as a coping mechanism is nice and all…but it’s just not enough. I cannot simply believe it’s real and true just because it did something good for me.

People say that faith is not a feeling but it’s a choice. I hear that…but how can I choose to have faith in something that I’m not convinced is actually real and true?? It would be foolishness, it would be fake, it would be pretending – and I refuse to do it. And if faith is a gift, I can't get it on my own anyway. So who's fault is it that I can't find my faith? (I'm confused)

Due to the fact that I can’t make the choice to have faith on a whim or a simple desire, I try to think and think and think my way back to faith…but its hard work and it’s draining, it’s sad, it’s frustrating, and it’s scary…so I inevitably end up putting it back up on the shelf again…

Until the next time that I find myself really really wanting it again. At different times and for different reasons the yearning for something to believe in intensifies. Sometimes it’s hearing a worship song as I’m flipping the radio stations, or it’s a wedding, a funeral, or hearing a friend talk about how God’s “done this or done that” for them. I feel it when I see how people of faith have “this thing” that I used to have…this certainty. Sometimes it’s because I miss knowing that something bigger than me is always here with me and on my side. Sometimes it’s because I’m thinking of a future, a family with a husband and children…a husband who I had always thought would be a Christian just like me….only it’s not “just like me” anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t believe in God, someone who thinks that we’re alone in this life and that once we die, it’s over and we're just going to rot in the ground...and I don’t want to raise my kids to believe that either. Sometimes the reason I want my faith back is because I just don’t have the strength or the energy left to continue searching for it.

But then I catch myself. I don’t want to just make a “tired choice” to once again believe in Christianity. The fact that I’m tired of not believing in something and I'm tired of asking endless questions that most often don’t lead to answers does NOT mean its ok for me to just fall back into the comfort of Christianity. It has to be because I’m convinced it’s the only way, it has to be genuine, it has to be real.