Even though I do often find myself wanting so very badly to get back to a place of faith, I’m conflicted because I don’t want it back in quite the same way.
I don’t want polished and fake. I want dirty and real. I’m still attracted to cuss words, not following the rules, and marijuana.
And I don't want to have to squeeze myself back inside that small box I used to be in, I want room to stretch out, to grow, to change, and to discover.
Does going back to Christianity mean that I can never again utter a swear word under my breath (or scream them out real loud) when I stub my toe, am really angry, or miss a really great chance at scoring a goal during a soccer game?
Does it mean that I can’t smoke weed anymore and I always have to follow the rules?
Does being a Christian mean that I always have to color inside the lines?
I don't have the answers to your questions. I have more questions.
ReplyDeleteDo you believe Christianity is true?
Why do you want to be a Christian?
Do you believe that being a Christian should change you?
I don't think religion is as nice and tidy as fundamentalism would like for it to be. It all boils down to whether or not you believe Christianity is true, because if you don't, why would you want to go back to it?
Good Questions.
ReplyDeleteDo I believe Christianity is true? - the jury is still out on that one.
Why do I want to be a Christian? - I want to be a Christian I think partly because it was always my foundation growing up. It's been hard to lose such a big part of myself and I want it back. I want it back because when I had it, it felt like security. I want it back because I want to believe that there's a God who loves me and wants the best for me and that death isn't the end. I want it back because I feel like it gave a purpose to my life, it gave me a reference point.
Do I believe that being a Christian should change you? - I think I'm still holding on to the old mentality that Christians are to be "set apart" and are called to have higher standards (than non-Christians). Since I've been on the other side of faith I've realized two things: some Christians are the crappiest people you've ever met, and some non-Christians seem like saints. I've been slowly letting go of the old mentality but it hasn't completely transformed yet.