Into the Abyss...
As my time away from Christianity lengthens, my desire to do all the things I never did before increases. I start to add late night clubbing and smoking marijuana to the list of things I think I should do.
For a while after drinking so much to the point of blacking out, I couldn’t get near a glass of alcohol. I would nearly vomit at the smell of it and had no desire whatsoever to ever have another drop of it again…that lasted for about a year. And then it was gone. I started drinking again and this time I was a little better at it. I never blacked out again and rarely woke up sick the next morning.
I’m kind of enjoying being the “one who rebels”, the “one who doesn’t believe”, the “one who goes against”, the “one who doesn’t accept”. I would dress up, go out to the club, down shots, laugh my ass off, and rub body parts with faceless dudes who didn’t mean a thing to me. And, while I didn’t gain anything lasting or of true value during all of this, I sure did have a hell of a lot of fun.
I got high for the first time on a kayak in the middle of a lake. All of my senses were heightened, like I could feel things with my eyes, not just see them. It was like I could feel things with my ears, not just hear them. And it was like everything was connected. I felt intricately connected to the trees, the water, the waves, and the animals. I could feel the wind brush over my skin and watch the waves ripple – it was like I could feel the waves ripple. Everything slowed down and I was completely content. I slowed down and just kind of let the waves take me when I spotted two loon’s on the water near me. I felt like I was a loon in my kayak, watching them float over the water as the waves tossed them about, as I was also being tossed about by the waves. Once I was high it was like I had completely new senses and could really zone into certain things. I would forget things and lose my train of thought. It was kind of like it emptied my mind of all the thoughts and worries and extra stuff that’s in there usually, I was able to just BE, and be present where I was and to take in the stimulus (sights, sounds, and sensations) around me. The water was really tripping me out though, many times while I was kayaking I would stop and just stare at the water and watch it as it moved and changed. It was absolutely fascinating to me. And if it wasn't for things like the law, jobs, and obligitory drug tests, I would probably make it a more frequent habit.
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